Chapter 4: I Don't Have to Be Perfect

On the first day of kindergarten I wore a dress. I brought a brown paper lunch sack with a snack. I couldn't determine how my mom knew I needed to bring a snack. I questioned her. But when we got to snack time - yup she was right. However, Mrs. Stasik did have graham crackers for the kids whose parents did not know to bring a snack or had forgotten. I took a secret inner pride that my mom could be trusted - that she knew I needed to bring snack.

From the start - I learned the rules easily and was well behaved. My mom volunteered in the classroom and once a week she came in to help. She would sit at the desk beside me as I struggled to learn to read. I would sound out each syllable. By the time I reached the end of even short sentences - I had completely forgotten the start of the sentence - and I had no idea what it said.  Hot tears ran down my face. Frustration attacked me. I felt as though I would never be able to put an entire sentence together.

I was a perfectionist. The teacher told my mom I had the neatest printing in the entire class. Since it took me so long to write words and to read them -  I had trouble completing my class work. There were activity trays but I usually did not get to use them. There was a tray for cracking open walnuts and another for cutting up a carrot. The carrot tray actually had a dull knife. She gave us about two walnuts per month and she seemed quite annoyed when I accumulated a half-dozen because I never had time to crack them open.

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I firmly believe I inherited this quest for perfection from my parents. Here is the story. Sunday afternoon errands were a tradition in my family. After church my father would ask if we would “like to go for a ride.” It’s not like we had much of a choice. If we did errands it usually meant a lunch stop at Subway or McDonalds and we were hungry.

Both of my parents grew up in the Midwest, my father hailing from Colorado and my mother from Minnesota. My mom came from a large family. Her father was a farmer and she learned to ride a tractor before she could drive a car. She took the bus to school and it made her sick pretty much every day.

So when my parents went shopping for any major purchases such as a refrigerator, microwave, car, etc. they came armed with a pad of graph paper and a clipboard. My parents wanted to spend their money wisely and they were both very practical.  My  brother and I would wander aimlessly through the appliance store while my parents grilled the overzealous salesmen. I suppose this is part of why I am a sucker for items with the most value. I don’t necessarily need the item to be new or the top of the line model. I just need the item to be worth much more than I am paying for it.

Back to the point.... this was before the internet and my parents wanted to make good use of their money. Sometimes they had even gone to the local public library (before the Barnes and Noble) attempted to take over this role… and they had read the Consumer Reports Digest. This helped them narrow down what they were going to look at in the first place.

I knew the graph paper breakdown held the price, and the options of the given item – allowing my parents to dutifully conduct an in depth comparison later at the kitchen table. At least this is what I thought was occurring. I wasn’t really in on the process other than the being dragged around to several of what seemed like the same store. With kids this process definitely took more time.

I am certainly glad my parents were responsible with our finances and did not just purchase the first item they saw. However, I do wonder if sometimes they possibly carried the process a bit too far. I know I have. Somehow I have become a bit of a perfectionist. As long as I am going to do the research and make the effort, somehow I’ve unconsciously decided my effort must be perfect. Yes, there is nothing wrong with a quest for excellence, but there is also a little something called time management. Where I blow it is I complete the majority of the project which to most people they would decide “ I am done.” My downfall is I want it to be perfect. I don’t ever want to hassle with this item again. So I then spend way too much time tweaking the little items. Lets say I am editing a website for the organization I work for. They ask me to post several articles. I post the articles. I even throw in photos. But I will spend way too much time searching for the exact perfect image to go along with the article. Or I spend too much time on tweaking the size of print or the color of an item.  I completed the prokject, but in my quest for perfection --- I have wasted so much time! And the irony is that rarely do I view my finished article or project at the point which I would label it “perfect.” So now I have spent way too much extra time attempting to achieve something that is IMPOSSIBLE.

Did I mention that it is impossible to be perfect? Let me review: Here on earth, you will never be perfect! No matter how much you try – you won’t be perfect.

So I, being an imperfect person, am still somehow convinced that I can act or think perfectly or that I can create projects that are perfect. Yikes! What am I thinking. Sometimes I have to think really hard to remember that no matter how much I try – I WILL NOT BE PERFECT. It is soooo difficult for me to let some of these things go. But if I complete a project – then say to myself – okay I will let it sit a  couple days – and I can always make the time to make it perfect in the future – usually I will eventually let it go. Its just the initial dropping of it that is oooohhh so difficult.

Why this quest for perfection in certain things?

Fear! At work I don’t want to be fired. Am I competent. Yes. Did my boss recruit me? Yes. Did God put this job together especially for me? Yes. Have I seen God’s favor in this position? Yes. Then what is my problem? I don’t need to be perfect.

Way too often I let fear rule me. I am afraid that if my tax paperwork is not perfect - the IRS will come knocking on my door.  I am afraid that if I don't write down my thoughts clearly in an email or letter - that I will be misunderstood. And of course - I am afraid to fail. I am afraid my boss will be disappointed in my efforts or he will think I am not good enough for the position. Well honestly, he could tell me if this is what he thinks. The reality is that when I drop things for an hour – even just to go to lunch , and I return – I often have a better perspective. The web posting looks impressive “as is,” even though I was ready to do another 3 hours of tweaking on it.

God says a million times in the Bible “Do not fear!” Why am I supposed to not fear? “ I am with you.” God, the almighty protector, maker of all things, is with me and “Perfect love casts out all fear.” In Hebrews 13:5, He says “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

So I was going to make this long list of reasons why I thought I had to be perfect – why I seem to have this problem… but it really comes down to fear. That is the only reason. That is the bottom line. Ouch!

One of the primary consequences of my perfectionism – which again- doesn’t appear in every aspect of my life… is procrastination.  Ouch again! If you could be a certified expert in this dysfunction, I’d receive the highest honors.  Again, the fear crops up. I am so afraid to finish things like reports or to make difficult decisions because I am afraid I am going to fail. My report will not be perfect. My decision will also not be perfect.

So I turn the job into a much bigger job than it needs to be. I start doing research. I ask everyone. I look on the internet. I carefully observe others in similar positions. I research the subject until I have thoroughly convinced myself into my own little certified expert. But, the research takes time. And again, I am not satisified with a reasonable amount of research. I must find every last tidbit of information that can contribute to my knowledge of the topic.

When I was assigned topical reports in grade school.. the first thing I would do was to immediately hit up the local public library. I would look up the topic, go to that section, and pull every possible book. I didn’t want to miss information that was available in one book but not the others. I would check out a stack of 17 books on the state of Colorado – although 3-4 might have easily been sufficient. I would hate to have been the other kid in my class who was assigned the same topic. I’d comb through the books to cull every relevant piece of information.

When the internet hit, it only further misaligned my love for research. I am a google fanatic. I love dogpile almost as much. I am convinced the internet has the answer for nearly all things. If you cannot find it on the internet – it likely doesn’t exist. I LOVE having the internet and on my phone.  I know the Bible seems outdated compared to these references.

Yet no matter how much research I do, my answers will never be complete. They can be enough, but they will never be complete. God tells me that on this earth we will only have partial knowledge. We will never know EVERYTHING. Yes, again I know this seems ridiculous, but those of us with a love for knowledge somehow do really think we can get SUPER CLOSE to knowing everything on a topic. But God says our knowledge here will always be incomplete.

Ack! What is the perfectionist to do? God tells me I am on a quest for something that is  impossible. I cannot be perfect!

As always, the good news is that although my knowledge will always be incomplete – God’s knowledge is COMPLETE. God’s knowledge is perfect. God by his very nature is perfect. He is consistent and reliable. His answers are not going to be correct part of the time or most of the time. His answers are correct ALL of the time. His answers are perfect.

If I really have this quest for perfection, then if I want the perfect answer, I need to come to God. Only God has the perfect answer. Any amount of research I can do… piles and piles and heaps of it – cannot even begin to compare to the knowledge of God. Any topic I can research on the internet – even if I could find every morsel of information – my research will still be lacking. I do not have the heavenly eyes of God.

The Lord says “My ways are not your ways. My thoughts are higher than your thoughts.”

So where does this leave the perfectionist? Oddly enough, I have decided God is the perfectionist. He is the one that takes us through the fires. He never does half the research and decides –yup, Amy is good enough as is. He is always tweaking and changing us – if we let him. God is the perfectionist. But he is also God.

The word HOLY means “perfect.” Who am I to think I am holy? God is HOLY.

So I c an relax. I don’t have to be perfect. But I do have the almighty Lord on my side who is perefect, and who loves me deeply. I can consult him anytime I want.

I know… I know… the internet still seems better. It is instant and  comes with entertainment and immediate gratification. Just like books, personal experience, education - there are all kinds of research methods. These are tools God provides for us.

As I mentioned, work is one of my big battle with perfectionism. So I conducted an experiment. One weekend I had a huge problem to solve which involved determining the best method of collecting fees for my organization. It sounds simple enough, but I did not mention the industry, that we are a non-profit with limited staff, we accept payment plans, have been stiffed before, etc.

I had procrastinated this project for months citing the amount of time I would need to research – to get the answer. The project finally hit the top of my list when the answer was needed urgently – literally by the following Monday. My gut reaction was to grab my cell phone and dial every contact in the industry and suck their brain dry for information. I perceived I’d be making 40 phone calls over the weekend – and the sheer quantity alone would bring the best answer to the surface.

Now I was looking forward to my weekend and really not wanting to make all those calls on my free time. I began to pray about this situation, about my big research project for work. God says to pray about all things. So I asked what I should do. Did He have a good answer? I was not really expecting God to list out the answer for me. This is a work project not a life or death matter or even a health or relationship difficulty. As I prayed, God led me to call a friend of mine – who did indeed have the answer in roughly a 15 minute conversation. I was shocked!

No matter how much research I could have done – I doubt I would have come up with the solution my friend presented to me. What if he had been my fortieth phone call? How much time could I have wasted?

I went to God first and I got the reward of getting what I believe to be the perfect answer. Obviously the experience isn’t even about the work project. The experience was about me learning to go to God first – to realize that my research is never complete – to trust God.

This is my freedom. If I no longer need to be perfect – I don’t need to procrastinate.